Turning unreasonable anxiety into unlikely ideas

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Sky

Inquiry and Religion

It will cease to be an inquiry if answers are accepted without a challenge. Learning is to see “what is” against perception. We build analogies to compare the unknown. We get restless upon seeing something new. With haste we put a name to it. A tag that helps us bring it within our realm of knowledge. When a person doesn’t behave as we expected, that behavior is outside that realm. We struggle to accept it without reason.

Then how do we proceed without naming things? We must know what is it that we are looking at. We are scared of the dark, afraid of walking ahead. At home, the most familiar place, we can move around with eyes closed. The same goes for other senses.

When we meet a new person, the same feeling creeps in. Unable to know about him/her, we make assumptions. What holds us back from knowing a person? Lack of interest, opinions, fear of an unpleasant experience. We assume that we can know a person by their appearance or opinions that others hold of them. This gets in our way. We look but do not see. We blur our vision with the prejudices to avoid making mistakes, emotional or otherwise. To avoid attachments that may not be mutual. Yet, all this is not part of the person. It is us.

Inspiration

Perils of Inspiration

Inspiration comes in many forms, the degree of which varies. When a person inspires us, there is a want to become like that. Also, there is a doubt that we may not be as inspirational.

This sets a bar. We constantly compare. Out of those who try, few persist, fewer succeed. The focus is driven by wanting to do something. The result is means everything. People get restless with slow progress and seek instant accomplishment.

coffee machine

Espresso

It is a chilling winter evening. The wedding reception is in an open ground. A small tent covers the stage and a few chairs kept in front of it. Food is being served on tables arranged along the perimeter the ground.

Kids are stuffed with enough woolen that they may roll without getting hurt. Old men are wearing just as much but they put on a jacket. They set themselves apart by sporting a cap, some have a monkey cap. They look prepared to survive if were to stay here for the night.

Women are confused. They sit in the covered area unable to decide whether to let that thin shawl cover their elaborate jewelry or not. They may stand a chance to get a compliment from at least one of their husband’s subordinate or his wife. “Oh, that is a lovely necklace!” the wife will say. It means that she is looking forward to the day when she can afford it. Definitely, she would buy something better just like her taste.

An espresso machine stands in a corner. It makes a swoosh sound as it spews coffee in a cup. The cups are thick and save your hands from the heat. They are designed to look big and have less capacity.

You stand in a queue, get yourself a cup. You take a sip and all you get is the taste of cocoa powder and froth. But you are a born explorer who lives life dangerously. You venture into the unknown. You have let yourself be surrounded by strangers. Strangers who, when they question, make you wish they are struck by lightning. Twice. So, you quickly take another sip of that extremely hot coffee that destroys all taste buds. All the taste that ever was and will be.

You feel angry and embarrassed like a kid who is just old enough to realize that bed-wetting is shameful. You have now acquired the power to taste all the food irrespective of its taste.

The food will be declared terrible eventually by the guests. The worst thing that can happen to coffee is that it will run out. The cold is here to stay while everyone waits for the bride and groom. Till then most of the guests would have finished dinner and declared that only the coffee saved them.

grown up

Grown up

It is a pleasant summer evening, the car is steadily heading home. In the backseat, a young boy is sitting by the window, cool wind flowing through his hair. Songs from the 60’s are playing on a cassette. He knew the order in which the tracks would play. Right now, side B is playing which means they’ll reach home soon.

Lyrics weave images in his mind. Some new unexpected ones, others from videos he had seen on TV. The current song’s video had a group of villagers singing and dancing. When the hero or heroine steps forward, rest of the group dances behind them in celebration. The boy wonders why these songs, when played on TV have no colors. Is it because of the weather in old times? Does the weather change so drastically? What would it change to when he grows up?

The next song would be about a traveler comparing himself to a wandering cloud. He looks up at the clouds and wishes the drive lasts longer. He wants to grow up so he can do what he likes.

The bus is getting colder and traffic isn’t moving. One of the two employees in the bus is sitting at a single window seat. He dozed off several times in last hour and woke up feeling a numbness in his cheeks. He takes a deep breathe as runs his hands through the hair, joining them in front of his mouth. He looks at the traffic countdown display. The bus may not be able to cross the signal before it turns red. A bus beside them revs up its engine. It spews a dark smoke that hits the window and fades like the gaze of people closely packed inside. He closes his eyes and reclines the seat. The iPod is playing this season’s top charts. Every week he replaces all the songs. He wants to get out of the bus and break the routine, now and for ever. But he is a grown up who has chosen what to do.

Spotlight

Sitting in the crowd, watching people perform, you wonder how it would feel to be onstage. Backstage, you shake uncontrollably as you peep through the edges and a million eyes are glued onto the performers. The fear of making mistakes, appearing silly or going blank overwhelms. You have seen it happen to people. At the height of it all, you don’t dream of applause but wish for a magic wand that can skip time.

Once you step onstage, you see nothing. The bright lights blind you. You say the lines as if no one else is there. Beyond the glow there are no faces or dreaded opinions. Your lines are the truth. You let them go where they belong; in the open. They set you free as they part.

As an introvert, sometimes, I feel uneasy around people. It feels like any moment, I may be invited onstage and the spotlight of attention will be flooded. Perhaps, I fear they will know what I am thinking. Not that I think evil but it is private. It can be hard to open up. It demands trust that the other person will at least listen if not understand.

Try for once to ignore that spotlight of attention. See that you’re uncomfortable and not escape from it. Say what you’re thinking. It is bound to make you feel better, lighter.

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